chapter n+1
the constellations pick up from where i supposedly left off
i guard my heart with a toothpick and grin small disasters into the hearts of those who know me
it's a curse
i shadow my heroes and when i'm done with that i shadow my self
and when i'm done with that i shadow my fears
and when i'm done with that i look in the mirror and grow inquisitive as to who this person i've become actually is.
and who that person will be tomorrow.
the question still lingers in the air as thick as mud and as equally as dirty
everyone i know here in LA has constantly bragged that it never rains here, or that they "hardly ever see it rain" or "only like once a year". of course, as i drove in this morning at 5am it would be pouring down.
it's symbolic as everything else up to this point has been. the devils are already talking, some feet are probably already walking away. nice. shock shock horror horror shock shock horror!
the gravity of the situation pulls me in deeper inside myself where i still realize like i always have that there is a much bigger reason for my transit to LA. a much more important reason, not to myself, but to those here and those around me and everything i create after this day.
but im sleeping alone tonight. and strangely it feels right. thanks craigslist for the futon. thanks to gloria's cat for poking a hole in my air mattress. thanks to the city of LA for my first parking violation outside my place within hours of my arrival.
thank you for irony, but seriously folks, im ready for literacy
let's start writing. my pens are out.
by jesse on 12.20.07 @ 12:37 PM EST
Ok, so here's the deal....
I know a lot of people have probably been wondering what the hell i've been up to lately, and honestly, I have been way too busy doing those things you've been wondering about to even write a blog that makes any sort of sense to someone other than myself.
So, first off - forgive me for my artistic selfishness.
Am I forgiven, yet? Ok, cool.. moving on...
- First and almost most importantly I AM moving to Los Angeles the first week of December. I'm not letting the cat out of the bag just yet, but I do have a job lined up and I'm super excited about it. I AM STILL ACCEPTING DONATIONS! This is a huge transition for me, and though I am prepared for it, It would be nice to have a little head room in case something unknown happens. PLEASE CLICK HERE TO MAKE A DONATION - PLEASEEEEEE!!!!
- I have been producing a few bands in the past few months that I think all of you will really like. The Shift. Ben Williams. When Rocky Beat The Russian. I have worked really hard to make these bands sound extra good so you should definitely check them out.
- I did a remix for Atlanta's own One Hand Loves The Other with Mikeyalater from When Rocky Beat The Russian. It will be on their forthcoming remix album with tons of other artists. Buy it when it comes out!
- On top of that, I am still working on Like Clockwork's "All Signs Point To Yes" EP. Basically, all that is left is my vocals and mixing. I will be mixing it in Los Angeles and it should be up for free download by the end of the year.
- There is also a brand new Like Clockwork song coming this month that I have been spending a lot of time on. A lot of brain-time. I will be unveiling it soon.
- If you haven't noticed, there are some BRAND NEW pictures. These were taken by Lucas Doran. Check him out at lucasdoran.com. He's the shit, and he just moved to Kansas City so I am lucky I got to work with him again before he moved.
- I have formed a "record label" with my friend Mike called Free Records. More info coming on that soon. Set Music Free.
- I just got out of my car from listening to the B-sides / Demo record I am putting out on iTunes entitled "Placing A Future In My Life". The final tracklisting is as follows:
1) No Sleeping Alone
2) Looking Better Everyday (USS Relation)
3) All The Money In The World
4) Lost And Found
5) Solo Solo Crowd
6) Let Go
7) Losing My Grip
8) Someone Here Has A Weapon
9) Song After Love Song
10) On Like A Bomb (Off To The Party)
11) Scissorlegs
12) Ghosts
13) Comfort In Silence
14) Something Right / Axe
15) Congratulations On Failing Miserably / A Hope, A Dream, A Vision (Live On)
16) Black Ice (Live)
17) Surely Stronger Now (Live)
17 Like Clockwork songs for $9.00 on iTunes - How could you go wrong? You can't. So BUY IT!
It should be out by December.
- Oh, and That's Called Going For It! got a great review in Southeast Performer last month. What are you waiting for??? GO DOWNLOAD THIS RECORD FOR FREE!!!!!
Well, that's about it!
If ya don't know, then now ya know!
joa
by jesse on 12.20.07 @ 12:30 PM EST
cleaning up.
its been a while since i've made a real blog entry.
in the past few days i have observed myself cleaning up my studio. i have come to realize how ADD i am when it comes to cleaning. i have found that when i get done with one room, i'll close the door, so that i can continue on without being distracted.
and don't they always say - "when one door closes, ten more open", and yeah, that's exactly what has happened here. it's like this one room was constantly a MESS, everytime i looked inside, the dust and the cables and the disorganization made faces at me, they frowned at me and the fact that i had NO CLUE WHAT TO DO WITH IT ANYMORE - because it had gotten out of hand. the room mocked me from time to time, always making sure i knew that i was unable to control it, or even step inside. so many times i tried to gather up enough of myself to face the messy room, and each time, she shot me down. every bit of me, regardless of hard i worked. and you cant say i didnt work hard, because in reality, you'll never know just how hard it was for me. it's true. how could you? you're not me.
regardless, once again i gather enough courage to face the room, and just as i'm about to open the door something says "hey - you! over here!" (ADD takes effect and im distracted by the beauty of the moment) - "yeah ! you! what are you DOING? come over here and talk to me", and im in bliss. because i am fully myself once again, and SOMEONE ELSE NOTICED.
as i walk away the room just stares, then gets angry, and the mocking gets worse. the room yells "he won't clean you! look what he's done TO ME! he will do the same to you! just watch and see! you'll see - he won't clean you and you'll end up looking like this" - when all this time, i really had been leaving that room alone for quite a while, just dropping my head in at times to see if anything had changed. awaiting the day i would be welcomed instead of asked "where have YOU been???".
and the difference is that i don't even care anymore. you're wrong if you thought i never did, but you are totally right if you think i don't now. because i don't. i walk away and i shut the door and the grace comes in. TEN MORE DOORS open and i am ready to give again. because that is who i am. i am a giver. you can call me what you will, and i refuse to go there. and i don't give a shit what the rooms adjacent to you think. im closing them, too - they're all just fucking messes, and i frankly don't have time anymore to clean up everyone else's mess. im leaving this building. im leaving this place. im learning so much now that i've got my space.
trust me, this is all about cleaning up the studio.
in no way does this have any sort of deeper meaning or relation to my real life.
oh yeah! and i like a girl! 
by jesse on 08.03.06 @ 01:39 AM EST
i just want to make records.
all day. everyday. for the rest of my life.
i want to do nothing but convey how this world makes me feel and write it from my point of view. all these people that come in and out, the ones that temporarily bind you in a moment of grace (even if it is three years, in the grand scheme of things, it's still only temporary), but can leave on a whim once the thrill is gone with nothing to say but negative things about it. nothing but negative things to say about the person they once claimed to save their life.
like clockwork. "yup, i figured about this time, this is what would be happening, and this is what what we'd be feeling, saying, doing - i knew this is what we'd come to, but i just couldn't resist - what more can i say? - its just that time of LIFE."
..and life - goes on. i dont know where the hand is pointing on my clock, maybe it's 11:59 PM or maybe it's 8 in the morning. either way, on this plain, today is may 25th, 2006 - it's 9:04 AM and i have things to do today. tonight i'll be in south carolina, tommorrow somewhere else. saturday at work then with good friends. next wednesday at a bar playing my songs with great friends of mine, working towards a dream that i'm no longer driving. a dream that is now actually driving me. other than that, i can't wait to get my 1987 volvo station wagon out of the shop today, listen to my "HEAL... but remember" mix CD i made for myself last night, and take off into a night of music that is inevitably calling my name, saying "oh! be here, be here!" and that's where i'm going. there.
alone tonight, and im ready for my guide to take control..........
by jesse on 05.25.06 @ 09:24 AM EST
gentleman.
there's a short circus story i'd like to tell.
the damn opinionated son of a bitch almost put me directly in jail!
and that would not be the first time, held behind bars.
(talking about the ones you drink in, not the scars)
cuz it always hurt to watch the animals be trained,
manipulated into a thousand different positions,
then washed down the drain,
and i have loved them from afar -
wishing and hoping that i might take one home,
hold it next to me and show it a home.
love for stuffed animals to become real,
instead of just a big-top, washed up, three-ring,
optical illusion of a man behind his talent,
strengthened by the power of the whip,
lashing out at anyone,
already hurt by the pressure they're in.
somewhere in all of these i beg to co-exist,
like i have been a lover in the midst of ocean kisses,
talking to the ocean on late night walks where the mist,
was like you whispering in to my ears, that i was missed.
but the circus it moves,
all the freaks and ghouls and animals have temporary homes,
along their journey for completion that often ends in a duel.
those back home are longing for them to just fucking come home!
but we know much better, out here on the road.
we love to get by, and forget the stupid home!
but we gotta leave again soon before we get too close!
running from the questions we dont want to answer,
running to someone we might think could understand.
tied in too tight to our passion to stick around,
in all of this i was lost, and i thought that i was found
the circus scared me the most, when i found she was a clown.
make up and all, shes funny, but when the audience ain't around.
she is getting busy drinking beers and getting down.
and me, im broken-hearted cause i thought that we were found.
but really were just as lost as misters wallets in the crowd.
we know tim the pickpocket he lives in section 9.
we hang out in his bunk and drink with him sometimes.
we laugh at pictures on the IDs since we dont know who we are.
we laugh as we throw them into the proof-killing fire.
and me i thought that tim was a good friend of mine,
till i found he'd stole something away from me that was precious and divine.
now for all i care he can rot in hell and fall into his fire.
for me i quit the circus, im going fucking home!
i know i needed to be here, but now i'm happier alone!
i dont need another town to call my own for just a night,
i think id rather give the clown my entire life,
have her look in the mirror,
laugh at her all might.
wash off all the make up,
call it a goodnight.
if only i could trust that tim wouldn't come around again.
or the other fucking clowns that this town is filled with.
i'll see them again and smile and ill kiss her just as well,
i know she never kissed you like the way she kisses me,
full-lipped and sensuous, shes buried underneath.
and i dont stand a chance in a world full of thieves.
by jesse on 05.18.06 @ 03:15 AM EST
then that's it...
i suppose that when someone has their mind made up about you, then that's it.
they take all your actions, your mistakes, your words, and twist them around to make it into something that they need to believe in order to let go. we all do this. i have done the same thing. but coming around it and looking at it from the other end, i understand why. it's one of those idiotic things that everyone does, like love, falling in and getting your heart broken. but unfortunately, this has been a repeated process for us. im sure, on the inside we're both bruised and battered, and sore from all the confusion. but i know a new day comes. i know that this was inevitable, and now im just picking up the pieces on my side of the fence, and digging myself out of the hole i've jumped in so freely.
i cannot change the perception of a person.
he or she who wants to see me as a vile, disgusting person can do so on a whim. it's up to THEM. not me. and it is proven. by the good words. the good words that were still coming, the good words that will probably still come after the mood is over. or after the war is over and we reach our peace treaty. what i have learned is that karma is not a threat, its a guarantee that your life will end at a balance of good experiences and bad ones. for every mistake i have made, i will suffer, just as everyone else. for every dollar i give an unfortunate beggar, 10 more will i receive. the balance of good and evil lies within me, and it is no one else's responsibility but the gods to condemn me for my mistakes. the enlightening part is that i feel i've already paid for most of mine. so now, i can begin to rebuild. i refuse to let my demons and my anger control my actions.
i will be practicing taking deep breaths, long walks, patience, music, and painting.
for the rest of my friends that choose to see me differently, i hope that your needs are fulfilled.
by jesse on 05.11.06 @ 04:24 PM EST
"some folks get their kicks...
by jumping to conclusions."
those words were posted on a sign in the kitchen back in jackson, MS. it had a picture of a deer jumping over a fence, and it was made with a cross-stitch pattern and put into a frame.
congregation in the kitchen, then we'd all go out and jump some fences of our own. searching for spirituality, growth, individualism and smiles - at least i was, anyway. maybe some of us were just bored. we wanted to go somewhere else, and we did. night after night after night, running through the property with flashlights looking for something to scare us. but we had nothing to be afraid of.
yeah we were jumping fences, but we were not jumping to conclusions, in fact - i learned that there are NONE.
how can you come to just one conclusion? the mind is free-willing, entertaining, and everchanging. coming to a conclusion could be the end of the excitement. the end of the smiles - the end of the trip.
even with religion, we find ourselves searching for the right one. the one that feels the best to our heart, but i say - don't let your heart settle for a god. settle only for yourself, but keep god there. christianity? cool. well, now you're a christian and now everyone thinks they've got you figured out. cause they're all just deers, looking for kicks and jumping to conclusions. now you're a slave to a stereotype. a slave to a system. a slave to yourself.
i want a girl. i want an adventure. i want life that is constantly expanding like the universe. i want universal love and i want to make friends.
but, i am still not naive enough to say that my mind could not change entirely about all of what i just wrote - tommorrow. for to say that, would be to negate everything i just preached. but i will say -
that i am here.
and this is how im feeling now.
but it might not be how i feel tommorrow.
the power of change is inevitable and i can feel it around me.
the ultimate mystery and the scariest surprises are gonna find me.
like clockwork, i give myself to thee.
sharing only what is meant to be,
but stronger this time.
surely stronger now.
by jesse on 05.02.06 @ 11:18 PM EST
dates.
movie man and fiction lady.
telling stories all the time.
all the questions now have answers.
you were a mountain i had to climb.
ready days and steady nights.
both saying definitely maybe.
all the lovers now have closure.
i needed you to fail to save me.
but let's go back to all the good days
revisit all the smiles and hugs
we were so in love.
we were so in love.
but now you're stuck inside a mobile
maybe now you'll feel the same
knowing that you're there for something
waiting for the trip to end,
but bend a little and you'll break,
maybe that's your fate?
well, it's a date.
imagine him, fluff your pillows.
tuck you in and tuck you out.
laughter spread throughout the house.
flower scent invades the mouth.
and i have been there way too often.
this selfless lover has been made.
to feel embarassed that i know of.
all the ways our love was laid.
but you're getting laid now.
but forget all the good days
forget all the smiles and hugs
we were so in love.
we were so in love.
but now you're stuck inside a motel
maybe now you'll feel the same
knowing that you're there for something
waiting for the night to end,
but bend a little and you'll break,
maybe that's your fate?
well, it's a date.
and i have seen your face across the candles.
i have held your hand under the table.
my love was true and unique to our companion -shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i have heard your voice across the cables.
can you tell me what it is,
that makes you sound so very different,
when you're telling me you love me,
as if the dates, they make no difference.........
i'll forget about your family.
i'll forget about the metal rose.
we were so in love.
we were so in love.
cause now you're stuck inside a motel
maybe now you'll feel the same
knowing that you're there for something
waiting for the night to end,
but bend a little and you'll break,
maybe that's your fate?
well, it's a date.
by jesse on 04.07.06 @ 01:54 PM EST